I go back-and-forth between feeling brave and feeling embarrassed by exposing myself. Sometimes I feel like I should take down my blog and hideaway. Sometimes I compare myself to other people who have it much worse than I do and I feel embarrassed for being weak and impatient. Sometimes I think you’re tired of seeing my art or reading my words.
Each time I feel like I’ve shared too much God brings someone my way to remind me why I am sharing. I’m sharing because we’re all hurting in one form or another and we are all longing for something in one way or another. And I am reminded that some find comfort in someone else’s form of expression. Today I have been thanked by two dear friends for sharing the gift that God had exposed to me as a means of coping. As I was talking with a friend about a project, he alerted me about my recent posts and how they deeply touched him. He said that what I wrote was exactly what he had been feeling and reflected what he couldn’t put into words. He reminded me that TheraPaint is not only helping me, but it is also helping others.
To be honest with you most days I am astonished at the love and support I have received through this. The funny part is that words like his are what help heal me – help me to realize that what I am doing does matter. Because to be honest, sometimes I feel as if I’ve lost what matters. There are days that I wake up and cannot believe that someone out there wants a piece of my art, a piece of myself in their home and that they were able to connect a part of themselves with a part of me.
I never dreamed that I would be in a position that could influence other people to recognize their feelings, their deepest thoughts and even encourage some of them to include their passions in their lives in any way that they can. I have found something that allows me to be myself completely and to help heal myself while praising God in the process. There is nothing greater than that. I cannot describe what it feels like to throw your emotions at a blank piece of canvas and to have it be received by so many people.
Maybe it’s the fact that this isn’t censored that makes it a special connection. At this point I have let go of the fear of being judged because judgment can’t hurt me. Especially when I have people such as Safi and Kate to help remind me that in the midst of all of this, I am able to encourage others and to use my brokenness as a gift.
So, I’ll be transparent: I’m a freaking mess. I miss myself. I miss my strength, my independence, my ambitions. I miss the little things like holding my baby cousin without causing excruciating pain. I miss conquering a project or assignment without needing to rest every hour or so. I miss walking next to my boyfriend. I miss being in control of my body. That’s silly, I know. I guess I needed a reminder that I’m not in control of any of it. God is. God gave this to me and so I must find the best way to live with it…and I think I did the day that I discovered TheraPaint.
But sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes I can’t not hate myself. Sometimes I wish I knew why this happened. And sometimes I accept the situation. And sometimes I’m hopeful. Most of the time, I’m a mess. But I’m trying.