Rawan4 Years Missed
For many people, January is a month of new beginnings and exciting journeys. For me and my family, it’s a time for grieving.
I Grieve My Father
January 26th, 2019 was the day my father was welcomed into Heaven. The grieving process began before January 26th. It began the day we learned he had cancer. Everything he was, everything we were as a family, changed.
He was the Lion, the Protector, the Motivator.
As he become more consumed by cancer, it meant that we as a
family had to be his fierce and motivated protectors. Fierce in our advocacy
for him and his health while doctors saw him as just another patient. Motivating
and dedicated as we possibly can be as caretakers – letting him know that it’s
our turn to serve him. And protecting his mental and physical health, seeking
all the remedies we could find to bring him comfort and peace as he fought with
all his might.
Remembering Him
For some reason, those are the memories that replay in my mind when I think of my father…the ones of his illness surrounding our lives. Grief is powerful in that way. Those few months from his diagnosis to his death have occupied the memory of him. The trauma from his transformation lingers – even as I do my best to not look at photos of that time.
The photos I do hold on to are the ones of him at his peak, on his missions and endeavors, with a big smile on his face and a strong, proud stance. That’s the image I want to hold on to but grief has buried those behind the last memories we made together.
You might think I’m being ungrateful. I am grateful to have had those last moments with him. I was in denial that he would ever pass so during that time, hope kept me going. But now, there is so much I wish I did differently. I don’t know if I could have the courage to actually do those things because denial brought comfort. But if I had known what everyone else knew, I…idk. I don’t even know how to finish that sentence. I realize I babble at times…but that’s what this space is for. That’s what ProjectTheraPaint is for – to express myself unapologetically and honestly.
“You don’t have to push it away or deny it.
Let your grief take up space.”
Grief Therapist, Gina Moffa, is one of the best at understanding the lasting impacts of grief and how we can honor those complex feelings. She says,
“You don’t have to push it away or deny it. Let your grief take up space”.
But I think I’m done for now. Writing this feels overwhelming. So, I’ll end it here and finish my thoughts with a painting.
‘Follow In Your Footsteps’
A large part of my motivation as an artist came from him.
Being part of a culture that was exceedingly focused on institutions, degrees, and corporate success, he encouraged me to follow other dreams when that part of life fell apart for me. He helped me believe that I was truly an artist and that my art deserved to be proudly invested in.
Creating A Connection
As I filter through some of my father’s older photos, trying to flood my mind with my mind with memories of the years before his illness, I came across amazing photos of his travels while on missions. Like my dad, they inspire me to create!
Drawing these places makes me feel connected with him again…like I’m there beside him as he explains the history of the buildings and the culture. We had that in common; world history…that and animal documentaries haha.
Do you want to capture a moment of a lost loved one? Send me a note so we can talk about honoring your loss through art.
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With love,
Beautiful and touching post.
Thank you for reading about this precious part of my life 🤍
Thank you, Natasha – that means a lot to me