Feeling the loss

Feeling the loss of hope today.

I don’t want to hear that I should be grateful to be alive. There’s a difference between being alive and feeling alive.

And I’m feeling the loss.

Feeling the loss of myself.

Feeling my sense of control over my body replaced by my body itself. My spine decides when I’m done even when my mind isn’t ready to let go.

I combat this notion with myself everyday. My body isn’t really mine anyways. It belongs to its creator. So, why does He want me this way?

It’s the question “good Christians” aren’t supposed to ask. But I’m asking…what is His purpose for me like this? What am I to make of myself if I’m not able to put to use what I’ve been trained in, what I spent over $100k in trying to accomplish?

How am I to quench my thirst for adventure, for travel, for exploration?

Am I to imagine what living outside of these four walls is like?

God I am asking, am I meant to rely not only on you but also on others for my daily needs?

If so, then I beg You to ease my anxious mind and to accept that.

If so, I beg You to tame my heart towards more steady and simple desires.

I’ve been trapped within something that constantly disagrees with me. When I want more, it stops me from reaching. When I’m drained, it aches too much to allow me to rest.

What am I to do with a conflicting body and mind?

I know You have your reasons. I beg You to show them to me. Because I’m feeling the loss of myself.