Holiday Heartache

There is something about the holidays that makes heartbreak so much harder to handle. Maybe it’s because of the memories you made the year before. Maybe it’s seeing your relatives with their significant other. Maybe it’s even just that moment of saying “happy blah blah blah” to him/her. In this case, Happy 4th of July. It’s being a bit nervous to bring him around my crazy cousins that I miss.

I don’t remember sharing this holiday with him in any particular year. But I do remember bringing him around my family during an occasion like people do. I remember making plans with him for the summer. We had so many exciting things I thought we would do together.

It’s those kinds of things that I think spark that holiday pain within the broken-hearted. As the evening came to an end, I decided to read R.H. Sin’s beautiful collection of poems : Rest in the Mourning. This author’s other readings were quite encouraging and self-empowering (when it comes to knowing what you deserve and not settling for less). I thought this one would be like it. And it is. But it also recognizes that ache deep, deep in your chest.

And it sees it.

And it calls it out.

And that’s what brought on the holiday heartache.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing happy couples and my family members with people that they love. But at night it all rushed back to me. The realization that I still love him (fail). Even though he doesn’t love me back. I thought I was strong enough not to feel that anymore. And even stronger because I wouldn’t say the words. I couldn’t say that I love him. Because that meant I’m still heartbroken. And nobody wants to be stuck in heartbreak! It’s been less than 2 months but I’m impatient. I’m ready to be over this.

So anyway, I took a page out of R.H. Sin’s book and focused on something other than him. On page 65 he tells us to turn paint into power. I focused on the pain. And then I focused on the power. I quickly connected my art with this. Pain is the entire reason why I even began to paint. So, I focused on TheraPaint.

TheraPaint was not born of a breakup. Which reminded me: I had been through MUCH worse than this, right?? If I can survive the physical and psychological hell I’ve endured, surely I can get over our relationship.

That hell brought me purpose I had no way of tapping into otherwise. So maybe this emotional hell will bring me to something even better. Not necessarily a someone better, but just something, anything.

Anyways, here’s my little doodle and script on my thoughts as I read those words.